September 23, 2009

Cute Pink Bunny Vibrator: My Worst Enemy

Posted in religion, sexuality tagged , , , , , at 3:08 am by Lakshmi (LaChelle)

rabbit-pearl-vibrator-big. . . well, not really. But it does scare the hell out of me. It’s hidden away in a cozy beige bag in the hallway cupboard, right next to the clear baggie of brightly colored vegan condoms flavored blueberry, strawberry, wildberry, and vanilla, which is next to a goddess-lovely tube of vegan lube. The first time I have sex with the person I love most (me), I want it to be a truly organic experience. (You can get all of these things, well sans the vibrator, here.)

Um, okay, I don’t even know if that last joke made sense. But whatever.

To put it bluntly, nothing has ever gone inside me “down there:” not a tampon, finger, penis, or even the seemingly innocent little vibrator with a rabbit and pearls that someone paid $79 for.

I’m a pretty, blonde, Ph.d, all-around-fabulous person who has done plenty of other things and gone on many dates, but I’m a little over a year away from being 30 and I sort of have a complex about this. My feelings range from OMG-I’m-a-Horrible-Weird-Ogre-Freak to Ha!-Queen-Of-Purity! But mostly, I don’t really think too much about it at all.

Growing up, I was the speaker on “abstinence” at a Youth Leadership Conference because I religiously believed that God had a soulmate for each person and so you should save yourself for him/her until your magical wedding night which would be stars and Bryan Adams playing in the background and a bed that overlooked the Mediterranean Sea while it rained. I’m sure my evangelical tradition had something to do with this idea as did growing up in the Bible Belt. I was even taught that masturbation was a dirty little sin that could send you to hell. I really had little sexual outlet.

All my boyfriends at my Christian college were equally as repressed and so I was never really confronted with the idea that anyone would even want to have sex with me. . . not until graduate school. But we didn’t. Actually, we never really even had the conversation and my boyfriend, another virgin but not a Christian, did not suggest it. We increasingly became more and more intimate though. And with each step I felt increasingly more guilt and shame, and the disapproving floating head of God in my mind looked a lot like my mom’s. I was beginning to be less shackled my traditional Christianity after I moved away from home, but the new world of sexual intimacy, drinking, late night intellectual discussions, clubs, and basically experiencing life was intimidating.

By the time I finished my MA, I went back home and began dating someone else that I eventually moved in with, but he was even more adamant (being a Christian) that sex was for marriage. So no-go there. And finally when I was feeling okay and adventurous! I even remember staying up late one night with my older woman friend discussing how to seduce a man. But Mr. D could not be seduced. My last boyfriend was also a virgin, but he wouldn’t have minded having sex, yet. . . I just can’t. I don’t want to. First it was religious, and mostly now it’s that having a baby would in my opinion absolutely ruin my life (I hate the idea of having children, call me a monster if you will). And partly. . . because pink vibrators won’t get you pregnant. . right?. . . I just don’t want to take the plunge. I’m scared? I don’t know. If you’ve never had chocolate before, maybe you stop caring about trying to eat it. If my religion would have celebrated sexuality and bodies and my mom would have been less BoysOnlyWantSex/ToRapeYouOneThing, maybe just maybe, I wouldn’t now be coveting/idolizing my body-as-temple or, to rephrase someone brilliant, putting the penis on a pedestal. I do understand that I have the ability to change my mind about sex now that I am agent of my life. But I’m honestly just not sure how to do that.

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21 Comments »

  1. Gaia said,

    Lakshmi, I love that you have that little pink bunny and that you’re just waiting for the right time. 🙂

    Your story of abstinence is fascinating. I grew up in an environment where abstinence was similarly pushed , but there were always people around who were pushing the limits. I’m amazed that you had such chaste boyfriends who didn’t pressure you.

    • Lakshmi said,

      Yeah, my experience, for better or worse, seems really different from many girls. I don’t really know what it means to be pressured into having sex or even telling someone I don’t want to. I’ve never had that experience where my boyfriend, whomever it might be, and I were making out and we had to have self-control to not go any farther in the heat of the moment, because it was just always known we wouldn’t go there. But I imagine that sexuality is a dimension of myself I haven’t really explored, and I hope one day I will do so.

  2. LadySophie said,

    Funny category names…can’t wait to hear the stories someday when things do change one day.

    • Lakshmi said,

      ha. I know. . . I can’t wait to tell them. i hope they will be good. right now in my mind, sex, even though lust and sex is all around me with images and movies and all, it really only equates to physical pain and possibly life consequences like babies in my mind. but maybe once i make it happen I’ll realize it’s not so bad. thanks for your comment!

  3. Eostre said,

    I think one of the great things about being a feminist is that you get to decide when and what you put in your vagina. And while I know that this is something you’ve gotta do in your own way and your own time, I still think that looking at it is a good place to start. Just saying. 🙂 This post made me laugh (and wince) a lot, which I think is a really good thing!

    • Lakshmi said,

      HAHA. Yes, vaginagency: deciding when and what you put into your vagina. love it. =)

  4. Demeter said,

    Wow, a bold post! I love that you shared this. As women we all deal with problems around sexuality; we need to be more open about these issues. So glad you put yourself out there!

    • Lakshmi said,

      thank you. i really liked yours too. i think the most beautiful and courageous thing a person can do is be honest about one’s self. it is really hard, but freeing, I hope. I thought it was fun to write this too. A little embarrassing, but there’s no denying my sexual truth. And I’m still a sexual being. I guess I just manifest it in more creative ways, like being sensual and my flirtatious nature and pleasuring myself in my own simple way.

  5. Demeter said,

    And by the way, I love your comparison to eating chocolate! So true!

    • Lakshmi said,

      yeah. but it doesn’t work for all things. I actually AM allergic to pears. And I’m just dying to know what they taste like. They have this pear tea drink at Jamba Juice, and it seems so delicious. But I thought chocolate was a good analogy because it is so ubiquitous, like sex, in our world.

  6. Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

    Blah, I will no longer start out “dates” by telling boys I am a virgin. It all makes them either 1) want/try get into my pants so they can meet the challenge and/or 2) make fun of me and/or 3) turn them off b/c they won’t get any.

    The last one may be an advantage.

    WHY do I even tell people this?? I don’t know. It’s been coming up lately for some reason.

  7. sri said,

    Wow ! You’ve probably seen it all and know all the kinds of tricks guys play to try to get you to give it up. Have you changed your position on children and abstinence since you posted this? Have you found your best friend ?

    • Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

      Hmmm, no I’ve never really made it far enough in Relationship land with a non-virgin (which means past Date Two) to really see those tricks. I guess 1) I’ve not found a boy I liked enough for more than two dates and 2) I get freaked out they will eventually be expecting to have sex with me, and so I enjoy the first two dates and call it off. I’m much happier (?) in conservative (on sex) circles.

      My position on children: Still don’t want them.
      My position on abstinence: I think I would participate if I happen to find someone I want to be my boyfriend.

      Thanks for your comment! And finding our blog.

  8. Steve G. said,

    Okay, at the risk of sounding like a total creeper… You were on Baggage! I am ridiculously curious about how all of that happened, especially since you were really open about this on the show. Have you / do you plan to blog about that experience at all…? And for what it’s worth, that guy on the show seemed like a total sleeze.

  9. Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

    I had a blog on dating awhile ago, and I guess I could have one on virginity. I’ve thought about it. I’ve also thought what a great documentary it would make (something that This American Life might even pick up) because adult virgins are a largely ignored segement of the population. Especially when you consider all the people who come from cultures typically more conservative on issues of dating and sex than the US such as some Asian cultures. I don’t know. I have a lot of good ideas. Somehow I can’t seem to commit to many of them long enough to see them through. Its a miracle I’m on the road to my PhD, honestly.

    As for why I’d be on a reality show and so open (I read your blog – I’m curious as well) I guess I’m as perplexed and intrigued by my own state of affairs as others might be. Besides, why not be open and honest? I’m too old to be embarrassed about much and religion/sexuality is rather a scholarly interest of mine as well. But I’m guessing you mean why be so open on a reality show. Hmmmm. I don’t know. I guess in a small way I wanted to get my story out there? I’m a bit of an opportunist? Attention whore? Probably all of the above and more. 😉 I don’t know, but it was a lot of fun either way. Thanks for finding our blog!

    • Steve G. said,

      I definitely think a show / documentary on older-adult virgins could be quite compelling. I’m sure the reasons vary wildly from person to person, although obviously with some greater concentrations among certain cultures and religions.

      I can understand the openness, I mean, once I found your blog and what not. I meant more like the nuts and bolts of the casting process and the show itself 🙂 Like, I imagine that seeing a picture of you probably helping with the casting, haha. But are you friends with a producer? Did you respond to a casting show? Did they edit anything out? Television in general fascinates me as well, even though I’m in a similar industry (reporting).

      • Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

        I was up late one night studying and I was bored and signed up for a website that had calls for reality shows. I signed up for one and got a call to be on it the next morning. Then I got asked to do Baggage. $500 = happiness. And it was lots and lots of fun. But I’m not sure I’ll do any more reality shows. It was cool to see what it was all about though. It is not hard to get on one.

      • Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

        Oh, and I’m not that bitchy in “real” life. 😉 Not really.

  10. shoeman34 said,

    Lachelle,
    I want to start off by saying I think you are absolutely gorgeous and your stance on relationships and sex make you even more attractive. It is quite refreshing to see a girl that is truly in touch with herself that she is comfortable enough standing up for it. I have been very interested in reading you blog posts. You are a great role model and example for Christian ladies out there being pressured into sex just because “everyone is doing it”. Saving sex for marriage is a dying principal and I am hoping with your stance that it will influence others.

  11. rdperea said,

    Good luck with your PhD! Same road for me…are you done with it?

    • Lakshmi (LaChelle) said,

      thank you! i’m starting to learn that shoving everything to “after I’m done” is a recipe for burn out even though it may work for some people. Well, I’m in the 5th year of my Ph.D (but 1st year of dissertation-writing). My goal is for it to be my last. What about you?

      LaChelle
      lache2380@gmail.com


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